SOME THINGS I LEANT
FROM SECONDARY SCHOOL
1: Most of the stuff in that Maths
set, you will never use.
2: There are some things that I have to
learn myself if I want to understand them, like finding out what left wing and
right wing means, and that money you get given from credit cards and loans is
not yours, you have to pay it back, and if you don’t you get those red letters
and those bastards phone you, a lot, and they keep phoning you until you pay
(and telling them to fuck off does you no favours).
3: Unless you get a trade, join the army,
get really really lucky or do A-Levels and get a degree, there are not a lot of
options for you, and you may well end up in one of those jobs where your sat in
a call centre and you have to phone people who havant paid back their credit
card or loan, a lot, and you have to keep phoning them until they pay (even if
they tell you to fuck off, which they will)
4: On older car models, if you prize
off the rubber from the passenger window, with the use of a twisted coat
hanger, you can open the door (without a key)
5: On those cheap fluorescent cigarette
lighters, you can wiggle the flame adjuster thing till it breaks, causing the
lighter to become a mini flame thrower everytime you use it
6: On those cheap florescent cigarette lighters,
if you throw them really hard against the wall, they explode.
7: On those cheap florescent cigarette lighters,
if you throw them really hard against the wall, and they explode, you might
want to stand back. Little bits break off and if they hit you it fucking hurts.
9: Throughout life, I’ll have to get up,
probably 5 days a week, to go somewhere I probably don’t want to go and do
something I probably don’t want to do
10: If you hold biro’s under the Bunsen
burner flame you can mould them into some really interesting shapes but those
fumes give you a horrendous headache and are probably poisonous.
11: If people are giving you shit, and
involving adults hasant resolved the situation, approach them when they are all
together in a group, find the biggest and hardest one and lamp the cunt. Observe
how all the minions will peel away like paint doused in thinner. Violence is rarely
the answer but standing up for you’re self is something you should learn young.
It’s a lot harder to do later in life when your self-confidence regularly takes
a pathetic round 1 exit from the Jonhston’s Paint Trophy.
12: The way to spot a fake Ralph shirt is
to look for the double stitching in the collar and if the ratio* between the
horse and the jokey is just plain ridiculous.
13: Having the best trainers is not the be
all and end all (Though it is pretty sick, if only for a while).
14: That the best thing I could and should
and wished I had learned at school, was learning how to learn. Regardless of
what I’m studying, whether it’s Trigonometry or simply trying to assemble IKEA
flat pack furniture, the skill of applying you’re self to something never ever changes,
and learning that skill later in life is really fucking hard and pretty embarrassing,
when you realise most other people have been doing it for years and you were
too busy dicking about or day dreaming.
15: Despite all of the above, even if you didn’t
do very well at school, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Life can take some
interesting twists and new roads present themselves all the time if you look
hard enough (Just don’t take those new roads as an excuse to park the car up and
get cained with your mates, it’s a good laugh but it really really slows you
down and you’ll end up doing something a bit crap with your life like writing
poems).
16: Writing poems and stories isn’t necessarily
for bellends or people that get high marks and have good spelling.
*ratio?! Shit, I did learn something afterall.
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