So the Prince of Penge himself, Peter Hayhoe and his Muddy Feet film crew dropped a new video yesterday of me doing the Lost Days Lost poem. It was filmed back last December for the BoxedIn Christmas special, it was a mental night. I got very drunk, I was on stage quite early on but most likley well on my way to Lager oblivion by that point. Probably why I look so mash-up in the You Tube thumbnail, fitting, being that the subject of the story is about getting cained with my mates back in the day. Don't normally get that smashed but it was Christmas so I was getting into the spirit of things. Well, the spirit being an excuse to just get smashed, smashed under the banner of Christmas Spirit, sounds like something from the Soviet-era eh. Anyway, enjoy. If you lke, be sure to check the Muddy Feet page, they've been banging out all the these poetry videos every tuesday and there's some real crackers on there. Also check out BoxedIn, they run a regualr free open mike at the Boxpark in Shorditch and have another Christmas special  where the hosts themselvs are gonna step up for feature slots and they're very good.Get involved mate.

Appearence on Croydon Radio 23.10.16

Last Sunday I was back on the airwaves with those nice people at Poets Anonymous for their Croydon Radio Show, in the new surroundings of Airport House on the Purley Way, London's original airport. I always have a good laugh when I'm on there, big up Ted and Peter. Guesting on the show with me was Polish Poet Gregory Spis. Have a listen and download the full show HERE;
 

Gregory Spis and me in the Croydon Radio studio

Gregory Spis reading his poems on the air

Roll The Bass: A Walking audio tour

Back in October last year, an app company called Voice Map approached me about creating a walking audio tour in London. I said yes. They make walking audio tours in cities all around the world. It's very smart, all you need do is download the app, then pick your story,downlaod the audio then plug in your headphones and go and take the tour.

Almost 1 year later, here it is: Roll The Bass a part story / part walking tour around central London which tells about the time I first visited the legendary End nightclub, off Totenham Court Rd, whilst taking in some of the old venues and other places of significance. It features tracks produced by my brother Will.Scott Cree

One of the reasons I wrote it was, well, one I was asked to, but two, it bothers me that in London, the home of Jungle and Drum and Bass, there is next to nothing to mark this. This music has spread globally and there are scenes all over the world, yet, walk around Lonodn and you would never know. Guess it's not the Shakespere or lawn tennis. It's a shame, as it seems to be coupled with the loss of so many venues and record shops, most recently of course, being Fabric. The End was a banging club, special to me and many others. I don't get out to many clubs these days but doing this again has got me back enjoying all that again, have even MCed a couple of times since,

It was a big challenge writing this tour, as I had to plan out the walk, calculate the route and the steps, walk it several times and for each chapter I had word limits based on steps which I had to stick to and it wasn't easy, also having to direct people and making sure those directions were clear. There was a lot of going back and forth, and then re-writing and re-recording but at long last, here it is. It's £4.99, get involved, have a listen to a story and you may even learn a thing or two. Nice one

https://voicemap.me/tour/london/roll-the-bass

 

Creatine live at Sofar Sounds

Hello! So this is the first post up here since Edinburgh but it's not an Edinburgh post. That will come, soon, possibly this weekend. I'm still unwinding from all that....

Anyway. Back in July sometime, on a nice Sunday afternoon, I was getting ready to run through the material for the Edinburgh show when I got a call, from a mate, who's mate had rung him, as their mate had pulled out of a Sofar Sounds gig and they needed someone, within about 2 hours. I answered the call and bowled up to some warehououse in Manor House and did this gig. They filmed it. Here it is. Enjoy it. I did.

Count Up To Edinburgh #7 It's getting closer...

Yea, not long now. So this last two weeks I've had some sort of headcold / flu / hay fever / avian influenza which has limited my output a bit. Really annoying, can't seem to shake it either, but I'm treating it like an Edinburgh lurgy preview as it's likely I'll get run down up there, they say most people do. The early performances have been improving, my knowledge of paracetamol based products is now a lot better than it was.

Speaking of previews, was in Guilford this Monday just gone for Keystone Poetry. It's a regular Poetry night run by Donnal Depmsey and the now Janice Dempsey. (They've very recently got married are now officially the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the poetry game.) Back in January they offered me the chance to do a preview of C/D Borderline. They rreally are lovly people and have always been supportive of me All in all, it went really well and was a good test of the material. I couldn't get any of the audio to work so all I had was the stories themselves, so I had to riff a bit between them but it was all ok. There's a nice review of it here

 

 As I've wrote in previous Edinburgh blogs, one of the aims of going up this year was seeing If I can actually pull it off, meaning organise what I need to do. This can be anything from sorting out a tech operator, to getting flyers designed and printed. So in these last few weeks I've managed to get a flyer designed (I used www.styloclay.com highly recommended!) and I've written a press release. Yea, a press release. Imagine that. Felt like a right nob writing it, it's worse than writing bio's, it's like I had to channel the inner-bellend within and become the worlds worst used car salesman, estate agent and investment banker all rolled into one, some proper mega-prick, all in the hope some journous might, just might come and review the show. Need  to check my soul into rehab after writing that. The alternative of course is to hire a PR firm but that's about £2000. You get the picture. As soon as I work out how to convert a PDF to JPEG then I'll stick the flyer up, maybe not the press release though yea.Hold tight Gary From Leeds (again) and Rosie Knight for helping me out though.

I've managed to sort my travel this weekend. Knew it was going to be expensive so I took the hit, weren't quite as bad as I was expecting tough but still a lot of dough. I'm gonna fly up there on the 5th (it was cheaper than the train, silly isn't it? Hold tight Jeremy Corbyn), which is nice as it's from Gatwick so I'll probably go back to the manor and see my parents before I go. Coming back on the 28th on the train with Gary From Leeds, who knows what state we'll be in. Either way, it's coming up fast now but I'm just about moving in the right direction. Lots more to do but I'm getting there...

Count Up To Edinburgh #6 Hopefully they know what the name means now

Roundhouse Preview Yea, yea, it was sick, yea

Last Thursday I did the first preview for The C/D Borderline at The Roundhouse. You know what? It went really well. I was pretty chuffed on the whole. Yea there were bits that could have gone better, felt I rushed it a bit in places, I was having to mentally slow myself down (in fact it felt like the whole thing lasted about 5 minutes, but often that’s how the best ones go, it was a good 45). The audience were great, it was almost full (probably about 50 people in there) For some, that might be seem low but for me that’s flipping great, it was almost up to capacity and considering there was a massive event going on in the main space (the poetry slam final), Mark Grist and Tim Claire in the studio space, I felt I did really well. The space was perfect, small and cozy. I got in there around 4 in the afternoon and the tech, Tim, who I’ve worked with before was really good, had everything locked-down within about half an hour. I wish all shows went like this one. It’s given me lots to think about in regards to going up to Edinburgh, and, a bit of confidence. Let's see though..

Craft Beers, I’m just not convinced.

Though I never expect them to come, members of my family, some of my best mates and my girlfriend all turned up. They’re all very supportive and I count myself lucky, as they could well be sick of seeing me do this stuff, I imagine it can get pretty boring. As it is, they said they enjoyed it, which I was chuffed about. As it was, with the above attendees all in the venue, there was a lot of boozing involved afterward. Now, as anyone who knows me well, knows I do enjoy a good, crisp, fresh pint of premium lager, or 5. Recently, in the last few years anyway, a lot of these craft lagers now seem quite prominent in certain London boozers. I’m all for little independent businesses thriving and competing with these global giants but when it comes to these craft lagers, I’m yet to drink one that I actually like, and like, there everywhere now. Well, not everywhere, hold tight Ganleys in Morden, that's my spot. I dunno about these craft ones though, maybe they’re trying to hard to make them taste different, throwing all sorts of fruity concoctions together, but for a simpleton like me, it’s too much. Lager aint like ale. The difference between a good tasting one and a shit tasting one is both thin and simple. Roundhouse have that Camden Hell’s lager on tap, it seems to have done very well as is available all over the place. Either way, I had a quite a few of those despite me not really feeling it that much. But what I did feel, was a splitting headache the next day, like one of the worst headaches I’ve had in a long time,  like during my sleep someone slipped into my bedroom whilst I was spark-out and drilled inrto my brain, siphoning out all the fluid. It was like the Stella heaches I used to get before they weakened it a bit. Good night though.

Getting Closer to Edinburgh, In A Tight Situation Now..

 First preview done, Guilford next month but before all of that, there's tomorrow and THIS which will be supa-dupa: 

TICKETS HERE: PBH Free Fringe Benfit Gig at the Bedford, Balham 

Look at all thoses names below all of which will all be at The Edinburgh Fringe this year. Gecko is the man who got me the gig, I'll be featuring in his show tomorrow night. Oddly enough we are both also in the same venue in Edinburgh, The Pilgrim. Small world eh. Reach, it's for a good cause and should be banaging!

New video: Montage

Good / great / sad / shit afternoon. Back in Febuary (I think) I spent the afternoon at a studio over in Docklands filmng with the Muddy Feet crew. If you don't know, Muddy Feet is a new venture from Poet and The Prince of Penge himself, Peter Hayhoe. It's aim is to to make and produce spoken word video's. Simple, but not easy to do, but very easy to get wrong, trust me. So far, they've had two great video's uploaded and will bring out a new one every Tuesday. Today is tuesday, which means another video and this time it's my turn with a little poem called Montage. Have a butchers below and if you like what you see, subscibe to Muddy Feet and support what they're doing. I know they've got a whole bunch of these video's lined up for release over the next few months, including some of the biggest names in the game, as well a couple more from me at some point. Big up Pete, Evie Mahoney, Luke Farley and my good mate Steve Todd. I know they all worked they're arses off on this. Be sure to check them all out. Enjoy.

*MUGGY DISCLAIMER* The idea's behind this peice are based on a version of me in my early twenties, I've moved on since then, (I think, I hope,) both in age, circumstances and general life experiance. However, I still do refuse to wear shoes in place of trainers, watch football, smash lager etc etc

Count Up To Edinburgh: #2 First run through

Hello. Last blog I was a bit pissed off, it happens, it's life, we move on. Even if the moving bit is like Trains Planes and Automobiles, when the car being driven by Steve Martin and John Candy has blown up, but they are still able to drive the thing, all burnt out and just about running but moving none the less. Just did the first run through of all the material so far, with some of the music interludes I've made. It went ok. I'm excited, but also realise there's a lot of work to do. Am playing with a loop station for two of the stories, not 100% confident on it yet but we'll see if that's something I go on to eventually use.

As it stands, there are 8 stories with more to come. In each show there will probably be time for 5 or 6. What I'm aiming for, is to have a whole bunch of material that I'm able to chop and change for each show, depending on the vibe I get with the audience. Each story is written to stand alone but together they all form this wider narrative. When I was a nipper, my big sister had all these Duran Duran 7 inch singles, if you layed them all out together they made this bigger picture, which was also the artwork on the album sleeve, I always liked that idea. So that's what I'm playing with. I'm using the stories form The 90 Sick E.P which are well tested and a few of the others I've preformed at various open mikes and scratch events, so material wise I think I'm in a good place. Just got to learn it all now and work out what I'm doing with each one physically, I have a few ideas..

Putting it altogether was fun though. Whilst doing it, I suddenly felt that pressure to select the right story when the music interludes were playing, it was an odd pressure, the type of which I hadn't felt for a while. Reminded me of MCing in clubs all thoses years ago, anticipating a drop on a tune about to kick in, and I had to quickly work out what lyrics I would use. This is uncharted territory for me, with other shows and spoken word gigs everything is usually pre-planned so I'm a little nervous in that respect, being that it's larlgy unplanned, well sort of anyway.

Gonna have another pop at it today so we'll see how it goes. Enjoy the sunshine

Count up to Edinburgh #1 Doing my own head in

Fuck sake. As much as I often talk about how much I enjoy the solitude of writing and all the other stuff that goes with it, in any given week (often daily in fact) there is without fail several moments where I want to rip off my own head and drop kick it over the garden fence and off into the distance, hoping that it lands in a Biffa Bin somewhere and some kind of salvage hunter finds it and turns it into something actually useful, like a car battery.

So I'm going up to Edinburgh in August for the Fringe festival with this new show called The C/D Borderline. Let's have it right, I'm glad I'm going, I want to go and this time I'm doing it off my own back, partly to see if I can actually do it, as in get the thing up there and pull it off, what with all the stuff that's involved with putting on and promoting a show. It's a lot, it really is, especially for someone like me who really does lack those essential organisational, admin and marketing skills. I'm not worried about getting the punters in (well not at this stage), I have zero expectation on that front, I just want to go up there and put on a good show, with good material and if that's to a handful of people everyday I'm cool with that.

The show itself draws on a lot of my experiences from school, how difficult I found it and how I've struggled as an adult more or less ever since. Those same traits that saw me bunking off, dicking about in class, struggling to understand what the fuck was going on when I actually was trying, mentally withdrawing from whole entire lessons, sitting down at home to do homework but just staring at it on the table to numb to even lift a pen, are all coming to the fore with a vengance in the run up to this. It's like diamond hunters siffing through the mud, except they're not looking for them precsious shiney things, instead it's something shit like, I dunno, used scratch cards or something. I'm probably juggling to many balls at once, as I have a few other projects on the go plus a regular job Mon-Fri. It's a bit nuts but it's always been like this with me and most people I know are in the same boat, a lot of these have children too and that's a whole another level so what am I getting so wound up about?!

I can look at it and see how ridiculous it all is and often I can laugh about it, as you'll hopefully hear in the show, but it's just when I'm at home,on my todd, with a ton of things to do, I'm sat at my desk and suddenly I freeze. My normally hyper active mind just goes blank like someones pulled the ariel out of the telly and before I know it, I've loaded up yet another grime video or a Fire In The Booth freestyle that I've probably seen a hundred times, or I start working on something totally new which has nothing to do with what I'm supposed to be doing. But even when I am concentrating, I just seem to fuck up really important things. Twice in the last month I've had to reply to emails regarding the show, one of which if I hadn't there would be no show, so I spent ages on them; making sure there was no mistakes, re-read them a hundred times, sent them and then bosh!: Surprise-faackin'-surprise I've missed off a vital piece of information on both emails that almost fucked up the whole operation! And I'm left, as ever, embarrassed, humiliated and really fuckin' annoyed with myself. But what's worse, is that someone else at the other end is affected and could quite understandably now think I'm an idiot, well meaning, but an idiot none the less. This has happened before...

No idea what the neighbours must think, what the with the random: FUCKKKK OFFFFFFFs most days as my computer freezes or my phone starts wigging out and I slam my fist down on the desk remembering that I've forgotten to do something, very important, again. The amount of times in the last month I've visualised myself going into Wolverine Berseker mode and smashing up everything around me, before ripping my clothes off and running into the woods to a live a feral life away from humanity, living off Squirrels and Parakeets (as long as I've got Mayonnaise, I'm fine.) Thankfully, I've not smashed anything up, it rarely gets to that stage but I've been close of late. In my school days I used to punch-up a lot of walls and I've put my fist through a few toilet doors (probably in the year 11 toilets in C block, few times I think, apologies) and I've probably damaged my right fist from doing that, which is very stupid considering I use that hand to write, type and grip microphones.

Anyway, this started off as a few lines just to vent a bit, but then I got the idea to make this into an Edinburgh blog, documenting the journey and that, so every cloud has a silver lining I guess. Even if no one reads it it's been kinda fun doing it and certainly better than putting my fist through a door. I also wanted to write about the other side of things a bit. As in the writing / performing stuff. Most of my online activity is either promoting gigs or talking about gigs I've just done and how great they were. To be honest, as cheesy or insincere as it all may seem, that is genuinly how I feel after most gigs, I like doing it. It's been a few years now (my entire adult life actually, plus a bit more, I'm 32) and I still very much enjoy it. But with the smooth of course comes the ruff, and sometimes it's a sheet of discarded sandpaper on the toilet floor when you've just clocked that there's no bog roll and the post man is ringing your doorbell with a recorded delivery of that car battery you so desperately need to get your muggy show to Edinburgh...

Peas and taters

Lunar Poetry Podcast

I'm in my second week of the Easter holidays and am trying to get as much done as I can, busy tmes ahead all going well. So one of the things I got to do last week was sit down with David Turner from the Lunar Poetry Podcast (well worth checking out, loads of long and short interviews with lots of poeople from the world of poetry). David came down to Morden and we had a cup of tea and talked about crows, starting off at open mikes and wiritng in general.  Clearly I like talking and do a bit too much of  it, which is apt, being that one of the poems I read on it was about, well, talking too much, amougst other things. Have a listen, it was a lot of fun.

New track on the Soundcloud: Trap It

Hello. So the story in this poem actually happend to me, more than once. Some things don't change eh.

2 new vids and a general update

Hello. So after 2 botched attempts to send these video's out and imbed them into my all new flashy e-mail list, which out of course went out to the subscribers, but with no video's on the flipping email (despite me spending over 2 hours trying to do it!), leaving me feeling a complete doughnut, here they are; On here, my old trusty blog. Might even write a blog at some point about my various promo disasters over the years. I reckon If I could scoop up all the frustration, embarrassment and humilatation I've spat over my various different computers that I've used, I could probably provide the UK with some vast  alternate energy source that would power the nation for a good 10 years at least...

 First up: Jungle Warfare

Second up: Little Story from Shambala Festival

New upload on the Soundcloud: Crows

Happy new year and all that. It's 27th January and I think this is my first post of the year. It's been pretty busy so far. Was doing a bit of the old hosting at Battersesa Arts Centre for their New Year's party. Since then I've gigged at Hammer and Tongue Hackney, Lipped Ink, my own Beats and Elements night at Camden People's Theatre and then last night, at new night called Dry January...and speaking of which, last night, at this cosy little creative space on Old Street called Ziferblat, I had a little slot where I got to do a few of the poems that I don't normally do, like this one below. Crows. Hold tight Morden, Raynes Park, Cannon Hill Common and the wildlife.

One More; New upload on the Soundcloud

Seasons Greetings, again. I enjoy saying that, though it's something I'd probably never say. It would be more like; 'Alright, hows it going?' There's that's better. That's alright.

As per my last update, I posted up a link to the Poets Anonymous show on Croydon Radio, well I've cut up the audio and a bit and uploaded one of them on the Soundcloud. Here it is, written last Christmas and spruced up in the summer. One More

Little bits of news, Christmas and that

Season's greetings and all that. It's Monday lunchtime, I'm at home doing a few bits, trying to co-ordinate going to see Star Wars and finish Christmas shopping. Boring bits of information really but it's real isn't it. I like Christmas but I'd love it if it didn't have the additional stress, know what I mean? Anyway, some bits of news...

New Mailing List

 

Ask any artist, and I would have thought they'll tell you that self-promotion is one of those pain-in-the arse-necessary-evil things. Unless you're one of those names that's big enough they don't have to do a lot, we all have to do it, unless we want to perform to no-one. I've been told before I don't do it enough oe do it too much. I'll promote shows on here and my twitter timelines and facebook pages, beyond that not much more. I dunno, it's a fine line between plugging and being annoying and I've gone back and forth between the two, never quite fiding that balance. I set up a mailing list a couple of years back on Mailchimp and when I did it, there was a thing you could use that swept up all your email contacts from my gamil account, without asking permission, which really is cheeky. I spoke to a lot of people about it and some werent bothered by it and some were, either way, I never felt comfortable with it and was therefore reluctant to use it. So I decided to delete it and start again. This time, there's no import of contacts, just whoever signs up off there own back. I've got 8 people so far, none of which are my family and I'm actually pretty chuffed by that. So, if you're interested, the'l probabaly be once a month at most, here's a link;

http://eepurl.com/jq9r1

Croydon Radio Appearence

 Few weeks ago I was back on Croydon Radio, for the Poets Anonymous Show with a poet called Steve Rushton. As ever, it was a good laugh and I dopped a few poems on there I've not perfomred before which I'll probabaly stick up on the soundcloud at some point. You can listen / download just below;

Jazz Verse Jukebox @Ronnie Scott's

This Sunday night I'm back at Jazz Verse Jukebox, live at the legendary Ronnie Scott's, upstairs. Had a blast last year, there's a tasty house band and Jumoke Fashola is a top host and performer. It's gonna be large, tickets are £8 squid on the door. Banging line up;

 Dorothea Smartt

Toni Stuart

HorseDreamer (Roger Robinson & Piers Faccini

Maya Blu

 

This Friday 27th NOv plus new stuff on the Soundcloud

This Friday I'm dropping half an hour's worth of new stuff at

7 Minute Itch, all in aid of the new show I've been banging about which now has a working title of: (Drumroll...)

The C/D Borderline.

Also stepping up on the night with new stuff are Michelle Madson (who set the thing up) Bridgette Minamore (We go way back, Rubix and all that!) Imogen Butley-Cole (who I've not seen before but I'm told is very good) and the legend Gary From Leeds (becoming a bit of a thing this, me and him on the same bill dropping new stuff!)

It's FREE entry - but you need a ticket which you can get HERE 

Elssewhere this week, in my limited, clustered headspace and Soundcloud page, I uploaded another track from The 90 Sick E.P, produced by Elian Gray, I present, None To Run. Enjoy. Hopefully.

 

New material @ Scratch That Hackney

Evening. This Thursday I'm gonna be trying out some new material at Scratch That Hackney in yes, you guessed it, Morden. No, not really, it's in Hackney, in the picturehouse up in the attic. It's pretty  banging in there, I did a spot back in May just before I dropped The 90 Sick E.P it's a really good way to try out stuff on a audience.

Either way, here's the Faceache link for the event details, I'm gonna be doing some stuff form this show I'm working on, which is an extension of the Sick E.P I mentioned abaove. It's a really good line-up, including Gary From Leeds who's also working ona new show. Should be a laugh!

A draft for a drafty day

Yep another draft. Typically wrote it a while ago, based on a time even longer ago, then re-looked at it over the summer, sat on it, let it ferment for a bit and now here it is, in audio draft from anyway.

Montage

   

You wake up. 

You walk into the bathroom.

You’re wondering what’s happened to your mate.

Your best mate.

What’s changed?

You aint seen him in days.

You look in the mirror and wonder

What’s happened to your face.

What’s changed?

You aint shaved in days.

Another line in your forehead appears.

The gears in your imagination

Begin to grind

The light in your mind flickers and

The film reels begin to rotate

Que motage.

ColdPlay plays.

Your mate and his girl.

Arm in arm walks in the park kicking up leaves.

Feeding ducks in the pond.

Trips to the sea.

Trips to art galleies.

Joint shopping trips to Gap and H&M

His and hers hers and his

Sharing friends over drinks

Mates are now friends freinds are now ours ours aint his, ours aint you

Dinner parties!

Dinner parties using recipes taken from celebrity chefs

Expensive A4 hardback conveniently rests on the clinically clean kitchen surface

Strategically placed to make it look like it wasn’t placed to imply taste

Sunday afternoons in gastro pubs

Or in starbucks

Drinking from huge coffee mugs held with two hands then taking selfies

Cheesy trinkets and cutlery

Amalgamating diaries

Middle ground cd’s

Middle ground dvds

Middle ground being

Feeling like carpet under your feet

Hiding the cold hard damp scarred floor boards underneath

Where skeletons of single x friends lie recluse

For choosing to refuse to wear shoes in place of trainers

In order to gain entry into cheesy venues

Continuing to smoke week

Consume lager watch football and smash keebabs

Listening hip hop and underground dance music

Still rebelling against chart music

Still laughing when farting

Still openly honest about porn use

Still treading water in an ocean of self-loathing where the

Only humane feeling that remains is the pain from getting salt in the wounds

Still complaining about the day to day pursuit of pay

and feeling unfulfilled, that grates like an

itch you can never quite reach between the shoulder blades.

Lacking the kind of companion that will scratch it and relieve it.

Then embrace you for all your insecurities, idiosyncrasies and imperfections,

and tell you that it will all be ok.

Chuckling in your ear, stroking your hair, kissing you on the cheek then walking away, leaving her sweet perfume in the airspace

as you look in the mirror, see your face, think of her and think shit,

lifes alright.

Instead you see your face

Your muggy unshaven face

And you think of your mate

And you hope the prick is happy.

 

Another blast of a draft of something...

Greetings. Been toying with this for the last month or so.Continuing with the series I've been putting up. Gonna stick it up and see what happens. Sometimes just sticking a peice up onto a different format; ie this blog, can allow me to view the thing with a fresh pair of eyes. Let's see what happens eh. Enjoy

HMS Kiss Draft 

So me and my best mate Rich are standing are at the front of the ship.  This pretty big, de-commissioned, Royal Navy destroyer ship called HMS Bristol. There’s probably a proper Navy name that I should be using, instead of front of the ship, some muggy navy like shaft or something. There seems to be some wacky Navy name for everything in cadets. Most of which I can’t ever remember. Even the toilets are called the heads. Heads? Who comes up with this shit!? Head has come to mean something a lot different by the time I’m 14! Mind you, Rich reckons he got polished off in the youth wing  toilets once by Gareth’s cousin, though he’s probably bullshitting. 

Rich loves all this cadet stuff. Right now he's playing it cool, leaning on the edge of the boat, back to the water, one boot on the rails, taking it all in, enjoying it, smoking a sovereign cigarette but I swear he’s not taking it down. I’m bent over, hanging on to the rails, shaking, looking down into the dark merky water of Portsmouth harbour, wishing  that Trident, or something, would burst up out of the blue and haul me down into a magic coral-underworld, where I’m taken captive  by some buff mermaids who sing mad 10 part harmonies’ and hold me in a giant sea shell next to some weird undulating s plants.  Away all from this embarrassment, and away from all the prying eyes burning holes in the back of this uncomfortable uniform I’ve got on.

 I just got asked out! By a girl!  Who I thought yesterday, when I first stepped on this boat with all  the other cadet kids, was about 17, and fit! Turns out, she’s also 14. And she’s a senior cadet, whatever the fuck that means. Her name’s Laura. She’s got straight  black hair in a bob and wears red lipstick. Big  brown eyes,  smokes Bensen and Hedges cigarettes. And Laura is fit. She was fit yesterday and she’s even fitter now and she just asked ME out, just now, in front of all the other kids, on this big grey arse knackered looking Navy ship. Stuff like this, doesn’t really happen, ever!

Problem is, since getting on this boat, me and Rich have done  well too assert ourselves as the geezerz that we are and should be universally recognised in being. Letting these other kids know that we’re no mugs, we’ve got a bit about us, but we’re alright. Rich even bought his Ralph jacket and he’s wearing it over his uniform! If I had a Ralph jacket, I’d be doing the same. Just today, me and Rich were schooling some of these  cadet melts  about how to spot a fake Ralph; 

‘If there aint double stitching on the label, then someone’s mugging you off!’

These geeks know, that we know, about some real geezer stuff, like football, and how if you twiddle with the flame adjuster, you can turn them cheap florescent cigarette lighters into mini flame throwers. Yea, that’s right. Geezerz.  At school, we can’t really pull it off, we get called Beavis and Buthead,  but on this boat, we’re like the Kray Twins or something!  Most of these kids are pussies, but unless I step up and snog this girl, who I really fancy, I’m about to blow all that hard work out the water, quite literally. 

Everyone is standing around, looking in my direction, waiting for me to say something. Each one of these thoughts and feelings wizzing around inside of me  is like a torn up piece of confetti that’s just been tossed up in the air and I’m desperately scattering round on the floor trying to pick them up, hoping that no one sees the mess.

‘er, I dunno, like,… maybe yea;’ 

Was what I came back with, whilst immediately turning round to lean on the rails, feeling like an instant bellend. That feeling that only girls seem to have access too, switching it on and manipulating it whenever they they want, as if there’s an invisible red button in my belly that only they have the codes too. Rich askes me if I’m alright;

 ‘Na mate, I feel ill, I must be like, sea sick or something.’

‘Sea sick?! This boat don’t move mate. It hasn’t moved in years. It stays in the harbour.’

‘yea, I know, But it does  move a little bit,  like rocking back and forth and that, tides and that , doesn’t it?  I dunno ,I  just aint feeling right.’

Rich looks at me and smiles; ‘You’re nervous aren’t ya?’

‘No!’

 ‘It’s alright bruv, it’s your first time yea..’

‘No, no  it aint! you know it aint!  I told you, loads of times, that girl, Lousie, from Church, remember? I got on her loads of times mate, Frenchie’s and everything, I even got feel ups after Confirmation class once.’

‘Lousie?’ …

Rich is grinning again, whilst pretending to rub a beard on his face.  I don’t know where this came from, but when someone says ‘itchy beard’ after you’ve just claimed something, and mimics rubbing their face, as if there’s a beard there,  it means they think you’re lying. It’s really, really annoying, especially in a tense sensitive moment like  this one.

‘Na mate, it’s true!’

Rich takes  a drag of his fag, he defintlaey doesn’t take it down.

‘Look…just say yes and get off with her her innit...she’s fit’

‘yea I know, but what if..…..’

‘What? What if what?!’

‘..What if I fuck it up?’

‘You sure you aint done this before?’

 ‘Yea, course! Lousie!’

‘Lousie.’

‘Yea Louise, from church.’