New Year and that

Yo. Happy New Year. Hope it was and is happy. I was out of the country for the first time in my life. (I've been abroad before, not a lot mind but just not over Christmas and New Year). It was pretty nuts. I was in Goa, India. I'd never left Europe, was there for a wedding, watching how they get down over. Had a pretty banging time to be fair, put on a bit of weight round the belly, even got a very mild sun tan on my forearms, imagine that. Anyway, this aint some travel blog, mainly because I don't really travel, unless you include up and down the northern line. However, me and man like Gary From Leeds would this year like to travel a bit round the UK (and anywhere else) if poss and perform our respective Edinburgh shows, Garibaldi and The C/D Borderline, get in touch if you're in any way interested, we've made a little tour package and everything, cann fill you in.

So, it's a new year. Got a few irons in the fire, gonna be doing some Beats and Elements work this year, two new projects, another audio and theatre project I've collaborated on called Robinson, with a writer called Christina Lei and plus all the usual gigs and stuff. Last year was a good year for me, let's hope that continues.

Here's  a little vid from a Sofar Sounds gig I did back in October (I think) which came out towards the end of last year, I dropped this at a gig on Saturday called Dear Diary by a great comidan called Helen Black, at the very nice Canvass Cafe in Brickane. It was the first gig of the year and was really good fun. people read exerts from their teenage diaries so it was quite entertaining.

Count Up To Edinburgh #9 Mission Complete

During the Edinburgh festival, if someone were to circulate a false rumour that so and so big bollox TV executive / stage producer was holding open auditions a mile out into the shark and sewage infested sea, beyond Leith docks, a hyper-enthusiastic undulating throng of merry actors, comedians, poets, magicians, clowns, knife-throwers and jugglers would saunter en-masse (armed with flyers), down to the murky waters only to perish to certain death; disappearing in floating pools of blood and sludge and flyers with review quotes stapled to them. For years after, passers by along Leith Port would hear distant murmurs of 'free comedy' and '4 star review' haunting the docks. Let's have it right, I'd probably be one of them mugs, though I'm sure I would have got half way there, seen all the people heading in the same direction, cussed them off for being more organised than  me and then abandoned all hope and sulked off to one of them late night takeaways that sell chips in curry sauce; either that or I'd turn up on the wrong day or something. In short. Edinburgh is like an extreme form of Monopoly, only difference is, it can seem, depending on what kind of day you've had, that everyone starts off with more dough and know-how than you.

Mate. Edinburgh was nuts. I knew it would be nuts. Knowing it would be nuts didn't make it any less nuts, it was still nuts. But all in all, a good nuts. To do it, and to want to do it, then want to go back and do it again, you do have to be at least slightly nuts. It just helps (a lot) if you've got the sort of dough behind you that would see you drinking in the sort of pubs that sell 10 different varieties of flavoured nuts (which come in jam jars) as a poncy alternative to crisps (which in itself is nuts because crisps are banging, all crisps, even Space Invaders.)

I pretty much had 3 objectives going up there, well, 4 actually.

1: To book, organise and get a show up there then put it on every day. (This stuff does not come easy to me)

2: Get my face in front of some new people, outside of London and from hopefully as many different places as possible (though half of the people at the Fringe are probably from London)

3: Get a couple of reviews.

4: Have a laugh (though this one was more of a given)

I'm happy to say that I achieved all of those objectives. The outcomes could have been better but also could have been a lot of worse. Could of improved in all of those above areas, particularly in my preparation; prior to this I'd never sent out a press release before let alone written one. Probably could have used my time up there more efficiently as well, flyering other events etc but all in all, I was pleased.

Me at the Pilgrim. That curtain behind me was at times the only thing between me and a bar full of noisy boozers. My audience was in front of me, presumably all looking at my Millwall tie thinking 'I swear that was from the 96-97 season range, great year for the club shop that was."

This was taken form the last show which to my surprise was packed. Dominic Berry took this, one of the many people who I met up there who I really enjoyed spending time with. There was a lady just out of shot, who just before the show started whacked my arse while I was bending over setting up. I told her it wasn't that sort of show.

The first week was very up and down and despite having a good audience for my first 2 shows it really dropped off and I was struggling a bit. Walking around the city, already sodden and cold, seeing all the massive hoardings and billboards advertising really banal looking shows, most of which had some quirky face on, with each one seemingly telling me, 'you can't afford this, go home, you small time mug.' Sounds a bit melodramatic but at times that's how I felt. Some of these people that take shows up there, must be able to write off £10K or some other ludicrous amount and it not be a problem. For many people though,  it must break the bank. Everything up there costs and it's very difficult if you don't have a lot of money. High venue costs. High accommodation costs. Massive billboard posters. PR Companies. It's a lot. Thank God then for The Free Fringe and the ethos with which is stands for, which meant I didn't pay for hiring the venue I performed in, which is a massive cost. Simple really. We don't pay to hire the venue, audience don't pay to come in, venue takes the bar. It can work. The Pilgrim, where I was based, did really well, smashing all their targets. All in all I spent about £1500 squid, not even a fraction of what some of these shows must have cost. It also helped that all the other guys in my venue we're really helpful and pitched in with flyering, and regular pick-me-up support etc. Made The Pilgrim a decent place to work at. Large up Soundman Davey Jones, Gecko (best flyer-er in the game mate!) Jake Wildhall, Joel Autterson and all the Boomerang Club crew, Harry Baker and Chris, Robert Garnham, Dave and Byron and of course all of the Pilgrim staff who were all really supportive.

The Pilgrim Boys: L-R Joel, Harry, Gecko, Jake. At back, Harry and me outside The Pilgrim Bar, Edinburgh

Second week picked up and I got a lot better at flyering and generally pulling people in etc. All the additional gigs helped too, Boomerang, Stand Up and Slam, Raise The Bar, Prepare To Fail, all of which helped. Felt like I got a into a good swing with it and the audiences were good to, generally really responsive. My mate Gary From Leeds said to me before we went up that things would start slow then pick up, and he was right. He was right about most things up there, though I did manage to persuade him that chips in curry sauce was better than chips in gravy, eventually he came round. Had a reviewer come in from Broadway Baby who gave me a decent 4 star review which I was chuffed about. Have a butchers here

Also somewhere in the second week I had a nice chat about it all with Paul McMenemy from Lunar Poetry. As always, I talked to much. I'd just done a show so my voice was a bit raspy. It was fun though. Have a listen HERE

The last week was wicked. Audicnes were good and I felt like I knew what I was doing by this point. There was bit of a dip on one or two days but from what I'd heard this was felt throughout the festival. Couple of people said to me that in general numbers were down on previous years, something to do with The Olympics or Great British Bake Off or some other nonsense. I really enjoyed the chats I got to have most days, out and about on the streets, with other performers, punters etc. Big up Bob Walshy Walsh, who I had a good chinwag with most days about all things football and South London. When out flyering, it's a bit like a melty version of The Wire, on the street, all hand signals and that, comminicating to the other flyerers, working out the punters movements and who's likley to want to take a flyer. It was thoughts like that which kept me amused on the slow days. But yea, in the end it all went well. The last show was by far the biggest and most generous audience I'd had and it was great to go out on a banger. Had another decent review from a young reviewer too by the name of Ben Huxley, have a butcher's here (though both Dominic Berry and I had a bit of giggle about the unlikely comparison.) Though I got to perform to many people, I was chuffed that on most days there was someone I knew in the audaince, a lot who took me by surprise. I had a lot of freinds and family who came all the way up. Conrad, Fez and Junior came twice! Mum, Dad and Nat flew up just for the day. Met some really great people to, some who also came twice, like this really nice family from Cambridge, two of which were teachers. Had a lot of teachers. Big up Riko and family too. Thankyou, all of you, even the one or two rude ones who did'nt pay any attention and were talking or playing on their phones thoughout. Don't undertsand why you do that when you can just get up leave, it's Free Fringe innit, but still, you interest and annoy me in equal measure.

Special mention must go to all the residents of Poetry House. My flatmates for the duration of the festival. Had a great time staying with these guys, all the nonsense chats in the kitchen and the many pick-me-ups along the way. Fay Roberts (got to do the best / worst / weirdest gig with Fay), Dominic Berry,(ahhhhhhhhhhh football-style audaince support) Alexander Rhodes, Hannah Chutzpah all the various poets and mates of mates who came up and stayed, and of course my roomate, Gary From Leeds. Legend mate. Helped me all the way back from last year, to get my arse up there and pull it off. In that tiny cabin room that stank of damp towles, we had a good laugh, through the good times and the bad. Highlight of the Fringe for me was when Gary rescused a component from my beard trimmer from off of the roof, using gaffter tape, a brolly, a broom and sheer MacGyver like skills.

So yea, all in all, I had a wonderful time, high and lows, old friends, euphoira and sadness, new friends and a lot of laughs. Would I do it all again? Probably. Yes. Dunno...ask me in 6 months mate.

Paper Tiger Poetry This Friday, 16th at Teahouse Vauxhall

Yeas mate. Got some new shorter poems I've been working on. It's been a while, what with working on the longer shows etc. This Friday I'm gonna drop a few of them at Paper Tiger Poetry, at the Tea House Theatre in Vauxhall. this gig will be like going back to 2007 for me mate. Banging out the short sets. That's a good thing. I've not been to this gig before so I'm excited. There's quite a few features on the bill including man like Jake Wild-Hall, who was one of the Pilgrim boys up in Edinburgh this summer, he's a top bloke, spent a lot of time with him up there. He was doing the Boomerang club show, they runs a regular gig out in Hammersmith, hold tight Joel. My mate Gary From Leeds says the venue is pretty banging, well not banging, he's northern, he'd say 'mint' or something, or 'summat' morelike. So what's not to like. And the very next morning, I've gotta get up at the crack to go and take part in one of these Tough Muddah events. Fuck knows why. I'm up for it though. All of it.Let's 'ave it.

Count Up To Edinburgh #8 I can count the days on my right hand now

So in one weeks time I'll be up there. Bonkers mate! Been building up to this all year but it's now suddenly come round very fast. Bit of a cliche but it's true. Mind you, the last month has been mental, I've not had a great deal of time to think about it really. In the last two weeks I've finished my school job for the summer, finished a 2 month youth project with Lyrix Organix, called Kingston Roots and just completed a 2 week musical theatre residency at Stratford Theatre Royal with Conrad Murray. And oh yea, I've moved out of my house as well. Not the most ideal of preparation but I'm alright none the less. Could do with a fat kip though. You know, one of those massive 16 hour ones that proper recharge you, waking up in a light and airy room with cotton drape curatins gently flapping in the summer breeze, with a load of Andrex puppies rolling round in carzy roll. I'm rooming with Gary From Leeds up in Edinburgh, I might ask him if he wants to stand in for the Andrex Puppies.

Look at that mug with his Edinburgh show

 It dawned on me this morning whilst brushing my teeth that this is all now happening next week, it's actually happening. I'm about to go and do 25 shows plus extra gigs, as well as having to go out there and get the punters in every day, which in itself is quite daunting. Of course, I knew all of this when I signed up and I'm making it sound like I'm about to go to war or something. I'm going to do a show in a pub / bar..I like performing, why the worry? I don't have the answer to that question. My reactions are probably way over the top but it's still a big deal for me. I'm sure I'll look all at this in a few months time and laugh, whilst thinking what a nob. There's a whole bunch of people I know who are going up there and I'm sure it'l be a laugh. It'l no doubt be a slog at points but that's all part and parcel. No pain no gain and all that. By sticking the show on, I wanted to see if I could actually do it and I'm doing it. Putting my money where my mouth is. Not that I have much money, but my mouth is reasonably sised, so in case I grt a massive windfall, I'll be alright. Anyway, I wasn't doing anything else this summer, so why not?

What?! He's got his mug on the back as well?!

I had a day this week with director Stef O'Driscoll, who I worked with on A Tale From The Bedsit. Stef is now really making a name for herself out there, I think there's 3 shows in Edinburgh this year alone that she's directed, don't quote me on that, she might have been telling me about shows in devlopment. Either way, she's smashing it, so I was lucky to get a day with her. I like to think working with me back on the Bedsit show launched into her new found director stardom, but I can't say that's true, though we did drink a lot of tea and had a good laugh whilst making it, so it was great to get back in the room with her again. She helped me tighten up all the pieces and add what I hope are now the finishing touches. I just have to record one more piece of audio then the thing there is done. I've also managed to recruit a tech to do my sound this week as well, seems like a cool guy and I hope we work well together.  I hope he doesn't like lager as much as I do, then we might have a problem.


So yes, I am now days away from starting. Gonna do a few more of these blogs whilst I'm up there. But if you are up there, I'm at the Pilgrim, everyday except the 16th, 4:15. Just look at the flyer, it's all on there. By the way, flyers are great aren't they.. They were designed by Natlie Clay check her stuff out www.styloclay.com. Peas and taters

Count Up To Edinburgh #7 It's getting closer...

Yea, not long now. So this last two weeks I've had some sort of headcold / flu / hay fever / avian influenza which has limited my output a bit. Really annoying, can't seem to shake it either, but I'm treating it like an Edinburgh lurgy preview as it's likely I'll get run down up there, they say most people do. The early performances have been improving, my knowledge of paracetamol based products is now a lot better than it was.

Speaking of previews, was in Guilford this Monday just gone for Keystone Poetry. It's a regular Poetry night run by Donnal Depmsey and the now Janice Dempsey. (They've very recently got married are now officially the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the poetry game.) Back in January they offered me the chance to do a preview of C/D Borderline. They rreally are lovly people and have always been supportive of me All in all, it went really well and was a good test of the material. I couldn't get any of the audio to work so all I had was the stories themselves, so I had to riff a bit between them but it was all ok. There's a nice review of it here

 

 As I've wrote in previous Edinburgh blogs, one of the aims of going up this year was seeing If I can actually pull it off, meaning organise what I need to do. This can be anything from sorting out a tech operator, to getting flyers designed and printed. So in these last few weeks I've managed to get a flyer designed (I used www.styloclay.com highly recommended!) and I've written a press release. Yea, a press release. Imagine that. Felt like a right nob writing it, it's worse than writing bio's, it's like I had to channel the inner-bellend within and become the worlds worst used car salesman, estate agent and investment banker all rolled into one, some proper mega-prick, all in the hope some journous might, just might come and review the show. Need  to check my soul into rehab after writing that. The alternative of course is to hire a PR firm but that's about £2000. You get the picture. As soon as I work out how to convert a PDF to JPEG then I'll stick the flyer up, maybe not the press release though yea.Hold tight Gary From Leeds (again) and Rosie Knight for helping me out though.

I've managed to sort my travel this weekend. Knew it was going to be expensive so I took the hit, weren't quite as bad as I was expecting tough but still a lot of dough. I'm gonna fly up there on the 5th (it was cheaper than the train, silly isn't it? Hold tight Jeremy Corbyn), which is nice as it's from Gatwick so I'll probably go back to the manor and see my parents before I go. Coming back on the 28th on the train with Gary From Leeds, who knows what state we'll be in. Either way, it's coming up fast now but I'm just about moving in the right direction. Lots more to do but I'm getting there...

Count Up To Edinburgh #5 He thinks it's all sold out, it isnt

I'm using Sub-headings now

 Greetings. Friday. Bank holiday weekend. Half term. Hold tight all my freelancers though, I see you, all these aforementioned days mean nothing, other than more shoulders and elbows eating from the TK Max troff, I've been there. Solidarity.

Tickets

So, I get a couple of calls Sunday night from two people close to me saying they can't get tickets for The C/D Borderline and that it's sold out?! Sold out, I wasn't expecting that and although I was concerned about not being able to get people in,  I was also pretty chuffed. But the chuffed-ness (sounds like a negative word doesn't it? I dunno, like most things in my life, I made it up) was soon followed by paranoia, suspicion, pessimism and all the usual thoughts and feelings that loiter in my head, urninating on my neurons. I thought loads of tickets might have beeen given away or something, or it was a computer glitch, or it was a syndicate buying them all up like one of these Russian / Chinese conglomerates copping all the flats in London and leaving them empty, leaving me to perform to a room full of chairs (wouldn't be the first time). Anyway. It could be all of the above for all I know, I don't have a scooby-doo who's bought tickets, other than the people who've told me. Either way, I'm really pleased tickets have sold.Honestly. I'm pretty focused now on making this the best show I can.

Mug

Anyway, after all that, turns out it hasn't sold out after all, because one of my brothers belled me up on Wednesday saying he just bought a ticket and that it was no longer saying 'sold out' on the site, so I can only assume Roundhouse have released more tickets. As far as I know, it's pretty standard practise for venues to hold tickets back. Pretty funny though, thinking about it. Serves me right for getting excited about selling out. Bottom line is, there's still tickets and you can purchase them here HERE HERE AND HERE. 

Windows 10 would have grassed you up at school for smoking

Fuck off Windows 10. I learnt what personification meant recently. See the above title for an example. For months now I've had this little box that kept flashing up on the little netbook I'm using, asking if I want Windows 10, for free. Well, I ignored it, like one of them chuggers on the high street, trying to get my attention by calling me 'Fella' or 'geezer.' Then last week, whilst in the middle of working on another peice for the show, my computer just started wigging out, like proper going nuts, more than it normally does. The screen did something I'd not seen since the days of un-plugging the NES from the back of the telly. It kept on doing this and then eventually closed down Windows (in the middle of me writing my bloody piece) and spent the next half an hour re-booting. And it re-booted, yea, but it re-booted with Windows flipping 10. Faaack off Windows 10, I didn't ask for this???!!! It's like someone broke into my house during the night and replaced all my CD's with a years worth of Ok Magazine back issues. Long and short, I didn't loose anything, thank God. 

Need someone to voice a teacher? Ask your Nothern mate

 I keep tinkering with the middle and end bit of the show. I had Gary From Leeds over last week, he did a voiceover for me on a new bit that I added for the show. Thnk it should tie it all togethor. It's gonna come throughout the show, well, tjhat's the idea at the minute. Gary did a splendid job, his northern tones made up for Windows 10 breaking into my PC and shitting all over my files. I wrote about Gary on the last Edinburgh blog, have a butchers here

Paul, stop adding stuff to the show.

This is'nt really a new paragraph, just following on from the last bit on the last paragraph, that one above. Look, I've added some new bits to the show yea  and I now need to go and  learn them, before next week. I keep getting ideas for new stories and it's not really helping right now, what with the show date coming up on Thursday. It's fun though, too much fun  and I hope it will make it a better show, but I do need to go and learn all this bollox.

I've gotta go now

 and make myself some dinner. I'll be back soon for another update. As for this Sunday, 'eff all this show bollox, COME ON YOU LIONS!!!!!!! MILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 

 

Count Up To Edinburgh #4 House Swap with Gary From Leeds

And here we are. Wednesday afternoon, with a cup of tea, back arched over a small screen, waiting for this netbook to load up my blog editing page, with all the efficiency of a pissed-up piss head trying to get a door key out of his pocket without collapsing on the floor. All this show stuff, plus everything else life throws at me, is taking it's toll at the moment, however,  I had a fairly good kip last night, which seems to have temporarily addressed the balance. All good training for Edinburgh I guess. Needless to say, I'm pretty knackered but good nonetheless...

Speaking of training, since I decided, back last summer now, that I wanted to come up to Edinburgh with The C/D Borderline, I've been getting a lot of help from a good few people, but in particular Gary From Leeds, who this year is doing his new show Garibaldi. Despite having performed at the  Edinburgh Fringe a few times over the years, I still feel like I'm really inexperienced, especially in taking a solo show and doing a full 3 week run with it. Gary's been a great help, with bit's of advice, doing scratches together, sorting me out a brilliant and accommodating photographer in Susannah Ireland and more recently, giving up his living room up in Wood Green so I could run through all my shit, in front of a few of his friends. In return, Gary came to Morden, in my living room and did the same. Gary provided water melon. I provided crisps and pizza. Less is more.

Gary From Leeds in Garibaldi. Photo by Susannah Ireland

I could run this flippin' show several times on my todd, up in my bedroom,  pretending that I'm smashing it to a packed audience, all to little avail, other than learning the words, but just running through the show twice, with a few trusted people in front of me was worth a hundred solo bedroom performances. Since the Wood Green and Morden runthrough's (aka the home and away legs) I've been able to make some changes and additions to the show which I think improves the whole thing. Having done quite a few public scratch performance for the Bedsit show, where the audience are encouraged to give feedback, often on written forms, I think they feel pressured to say something about what they've seen, or suggest things, where there might not be anything much to say, so inevitably a lot of it it is just bollox. I much prefer this model of having a small invited audience, just to listen to what I've got and maybe offer a few thoughts. Really, I just want see if the thing is shit or not and if the material works in front of real people. That's it really. Gary provided me with that. All hail Gary, he's from Leeds.

I've known Gary From Leeds for a few years now, first met him when we were supporting Richard Purnel with his Boobs, Work and Me show. This is his 4th Edinburgh show I believe and from what I've seen of Garibaldi so far, it's the best yet, it's gonna be a banger. It's absurd, funny, intelligent and highly entertaining. Probably shit adjectives to describe a very good show. At the very least,  it's a call to arms for all Gary's around the UK to rise up ad support the cause of Gary. We all need a Gary in our lives. Here's another one. Gary From Leeds. Bring him into yours.

You can check Gary's show dates HERE. He's gonna be doing Garibaldi in Manchester, Barnes (yes, Barnes, SW London, there's a fringe there apparently) as well as a few others. Well worth checking out.

Speaking of shows. I'm doing THE C/D BORDERLINE PREVIEW ON 2ND JUNE AT THE ROUNDHOUSE IN CAMDEN. In capitols because I need to sell some tickets. Tickets £7.50, starts at 7 p.m

Go on, buy a TICKET, or 20. Pic by Susannah Ireland

This Friday 27th NOv plus new stuff on the Soundcloud

This Friday I'm dropping half an hour's worth of new stuff at

7 Minute Itch, all in aid of the new show I've been banging about which now has a working title of: (Drumroll...)

The C/D Borderline.

Also stepping up on the night with new stuff are Michelle Madson (who set the thing up) Bridgette Minamore (We go way back, Rubix and all that!) Imogen Butley-Cole (who I've not seen before but I'm told is very good) and the legend Gary From Leeds (becoming a bit of a thing this, me and him on the same bill dropping new stuff!)

It's FREE entry - but you need a ticket which you can get HERE 

Elssewhere this week, in my limited, clustered headspace and Soundcloud page, I uploaded another track from The 90 Sick E.P, produced by Elian Gray, I present, None To Run. Enjoy. Hopefully.

 

Feedback feeding me

Yes. It's been a busy few weeks doing shows and what-not. Started last Thursday (5th) at Scratch That Hackney. Had the first roll out of the latest peice of this as yet unnamed show I'm working on. Went pretty well, there was a bunch of good acts there too. My mate Gary From Leeds stepped up doing bits from his new show, Gary Baldie. It's gonna be a banager, trust me. Did another scratch on Monday with Gary called Words In Progress  drropped the same peice again, HMS Kiss. Different crowd, dofferent space, did'nt use the mike but it went alright. Feel in a good place with it. Got some good feedback for both nights. Doing another one on the 27th, called 7 Minute Itch gonna do a half an hour, hopefully with a bit of sound and maybe some movement.

Wound up getting on the mike and MCing over Drum 'N Bass last Saturday evening, at Shorditch Town Hall. It's been a long time since I've done that to a room full of people. I'd gone to see Will Dickie's new peice Rave Space. Will's an artist and DJ who makes perfomances in which he uses movement and sound. Don't know a lot about dance and movement but I know that Will is very good at what he does. It was a sick show in which he dj's (played a load of classic Drum and Bass tracks) afterwads he kciked a full set and asked me If I wanted to MC. I was a bit shy and hestitated, but then I'd hd a few beers so thought fuck it. Had a great time!

Tuersday evening saw me head up to Birmingham for Grizzly Pear, run by the Writers Block society at Birmingham Uni. Great night, really well run and attended. Very warm crowd. Did a whole 40 minutes too, don't get sets like that very often. Loved it.

On to Sunday and I dropped this on the Soundcloud. Yea

New material @ Scratch That Hackney

Evening. This Thursday I'm gonna be trying out some new material at Scratch That Hackney in yes, you guessed it, Morden. No, not really, it's in Hackney, in the picturehouse up in the attic. It's pretty  banging in there, I did a spot back in May just before I dropped The 90 Sick E.P it's a really good way to try out stuff on a audience.

Either way, here's the Faceache link for the event details, I'm gonna be doing some stuff form this show I'm working on, which is an extension of the Sick E.P I mentioned abaove. It's a really good line-up, including Gary From Leeds who's also working ona new show. Should be a laugh!

Football is absurd

Weekend before last, I was at the launch night for issue number 3 of a new (ish) magazine called The Alarmist which is co-edited by fellow poet, Leeds fan and all round top bloke Gary From Leeds. The magazine is a quality publication which features short stories and poems with some pretty slick design. Anyway, much to my ignorance, I'd not really been aware of these goings on until I happened to be speaking to Gary via text, and he told me about the event which took place at The Social, just behind Oxford Street, Richard Purnell was hosting, and he's a top bloke as well (and forms a double act with Gary), so off I went.

As part of the door tax, which was £6 I believe, I got a copy of the latest issue thrown in which was a touch. Gary had told me there was a story about Millwall in there, called Millwall Territory by a writer called Nial Foley, so naturally I went straight to it. Without delving too much into the story itself, which I really enjoyed (which talked about the gentrification of Bermondsey, amongst other things, which I'm sure at some point I'll mention) I saw this quote, which really struck a chord with me, talking about being a football fan:

"Are you kidding? Being a football fan is being a muppet. Football is absurd and irrational, and if wasn't, there wouldn't be a game. You don't have to look too closely to see it is exploitative irrational tribal nonsense. It is what makes it great."

I thought he hit the nail on the head with that!

Check out The Alarmist online at http://www.alarmistmagazine.co.uk/ and check Facebook for future events

Warning: This Millwall piece has nothing to do with hooliganism

A while ago I was asked to write a piece about Millwall by fellow poet and football writer Gary From Leeds for the brilliant blog he runs called the The 127 Formation and this is what I came up with...

Ok, that was a bit of lie, it does…

I was once asked a question with which I answered “Millwall” to then be asked a second question “Are you racist?”

Of course, the first question was, “what football team do you support?” These days, even in the supposedly open-minded arty circles I sometimes rotate in, like a child on a waltzer, looking as if he’s about to regurgitate his excitability consumed large McDonalds milkshake all over his Chelsea t-shirt (now that’s an image!), this strikes as an all too predictable response from many people.

Understandably, Millwall have a terrible reputation and are by no means angels. But then nor are Manchester United, Manchester City, Chelsea, West Ham, Stoke, Liverpool, Leeds, Cardiff, Portsmouth etc etc the list goes on, and the figures from the statistics for football-related arrests and banning orders prove this, year in, year out.

A lot of it, I believe, is too do with media coverage and the influence they wield over public opinion, which seems to lean on the Millwall reputation a bit too easily, all the while perpetuating an age old stereotype which can act as springboard for absurd, and sometimes offensive accusations which bypass the ring fences of political correctness, reserved for most other sections of society, without many people ever batting an eyelid, other than Millwall fans themselves. Phew, let me take a breath!

The recent reporting in the Evening Standard about Millwall supporters coming out to protect Eltham during the riots did not receive the same admiration as the Turkish and Kurdish shop owners in Dalston, just a patronising rhetoric, which only serves to further alienate an increasingly alienated section of society.

At a time when there is extremist vultures lurking overhead like the EDL and the BNP, ready to pluck at the corpses of pre-dominantly young white working class men, lazy nonsense like that doesn’t help.

When confronted with pre-loaded questions about morons, racists and hooligans, it can be very frustrating, even after pointing out facts about behaviour and incidences involving supporters from bigger clubs, such as those mentioned above, many people would rather hold on to the force fed images of Man United being the jewel in the English crown, untouchable, family and huge corporate sponsor friendly whilst Millwall is the dangle-berry clinging on to footballs rectum, rather than accepting that hooliganism is not exclusive to SE16.

I would have thought that any look around a town centre on a Friday or Saturday night from Bristol to Newcastle would prove this, but for some reason it’s rare that the similarities in behaviour of those misbehaving on a night out is ever compared to that of a football fan looking for a punch up.

In retrospect, I should have punched that person in the face, or at least told to them where to go, upon being asked if I was racist, based on the findings of what football team I support. I’m sure no one would ever approach a father pushing a child on a swing in the park and ask him if he’s a paedophile, I’m quite sure that man would be highly insulted, as I was, such is the regard for paedophiles and of course racists, and rightly so.

But of course, punching someone in the face or cursing at them only further enforce a terrible stereotype, and I would most likely come out it the villain. I just like football and Millwall, that’s all.

Boobs Work And Me

Back in August, I performed for a week alongside fellow Poets Gary From Leeds and Sean Mahoney, at the Hen and Chickens Theatre Islington, as the warm up acts for this touching and funny show by Richard Purnell called "Boobs Work And Me". It was a lot of fun, from the show to re3cording the promo video (see below) and we had some really good audiences. I even indirectly gaines my first review from Londonist.com http://londonist.com/2011/08/review-richard-purnell-and-friends-hen-and-chickens.php