Words From The Archives: #4 Coffee Shop

Around about this time, in 2008, whilst on a work / birthday doo at the roller disco in Vauxhall, I fell over, fractured my elbow, got put in plaster and was signed off work for 2 weeks. Despite the inconvenience of not having the use of my right arm for a while and some extremely intense physio afterwards (I was in tears every week) it was one of the best 2 weeks I'd had in years...

I was living in Brixton at the time and had borrowed 2 books from Brixton library which were on the required reading list for this creative writing course I was due to attend at Birkbeck college. The cafe in the poem was on acre lane and had only recently opened.

The poem itself was typical of the kind of stuff I used to write back then and does make me cringe a little bit. The course I took marked the beginning of the end of this sort of thing for me, for now anyway...

COFFEE SHOP

IM OFF WORK ON THE SICK
I WAS IN THE FLAT WANTING TO ESCAPE
IM STARTING A COURSE IN A WEEK
GOT BOOKS FROM A LIST THAT I NEED TO READ

SO TAKING INTO ACCOUNT THOSE FOUR
I STEPPED OUT MY DOOR
PUT MY FEET TO THE STREET

NEAR WHERE I RESIDE
SITUATED ON A CORNER
IS A LITTLE COFFEE SHOP
WHICH I'VE NEVER TRIED

NOW IM NOT MR CULTURE
AND CERTINLY NOT SPOHISTICATED
BUT I'VE TRIED A FEW THINGS
HERBAL TEAS AND SOYA BEANS

ONE OR TWO VEGGIES DISHES
AND FROM MY FREINDS I'VE HAD MANY SNIGGERS
I JUST TRY KEEP ON OPEN MIND
BUT I DON'T WISH TO LEAVE CERTAIN THINGS BEHIND
IM NOT ADVERSE TO A GEASEY SPOON

BUT COFFEE SHOPS?
ONCE OR TWICE MAYBE
DUNNO 
I GIVE EM A WIDE BERTH REALLY
I DONT DRINK COFFEE

BUT IM OFF WORK
AND I NEED TO READ 
AND I DO LIKE
A NICE CUP OF TEA

SO WHY NOT?
I ENTERED IN
ASKED FOR A CUP OF TEA
THE LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER
THEN ASKED ME
CAMMOLILE, FRUIT, EARL GREY, BEAKFAST OR GREEN?

IN MY HEAD I REPLIED "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?"
"I WANT A CUPPA!!" BUT THAT WAS IN MY DREAMS
I POLITLEY REPLIED "BREAKFAST PLEASE"
SHE THEN SAID "WOULD YOU LIKE MILK WITH THAT?"
IN MY HEAD I SAID "THATS A STUPID QUESTION YOU SILLY PRAT"

BUT IM NOT LIKE THAT
SO I POLLITLEY REPLIED "YES PLEASE"
I UNDERTAND THESE COFFEE SHOPS CATER FOR A DEMOGRAPHIC
FAR WIDEER THAN THE LIKES OF ME
FROM A SMALL INWARD LOOKING A TOWN AT THE ARSE END OF SURREY

I THEN HAD A QUICK GLANCE
AT THE FOOD ON THE MENU
NOW IT OFTEN BAFFLED ME AS A CHILD IN CHURCH
THE PROCESS OF A WAFER SUDDENLY BECOMING 
A SMALL SLICE FROM THE BODY OF CHRIST
I BELIVE THEY CALL THIS TRANSUBSTANTIATION

CURIOUS AGAIN I WONDERED HOW
SOME CHEAP WHITE BREAD, OLIVES AND PESTO
MAGICLALLY BECOMES MEDITERIANIAN
AND £4.50

SO WHEN THE WOMAN SAID "ANYTHING ELSE?"
I SAID NO THANKYOU AND PAID FOR MY TEA


SO I GOT MY TEA
AND SAT ON THIS AKWARDELEY HIGH
UNCOMFORTABLE STOOL
WITHOUT A BACK
ON A BENCH SURFACE
BY A WINDOW
AND PROCEEDED TO GET MY BOOK OUT OF MY BAG

TEN MINUTIES PAST,
AND THAT STOOL WAS HURTING MY ARSE
AND THAT LACK OF A BACK WAS HURTING MY BACK
NOW I UNDERSTAND THEY WANT AN INTELLIGANT CLINETLLE
AND TO DISCOURAGE THE RIFF RAFF
BUT DO THEY REALLY HAVE TO INSIST ON PLAYING THIS PONCY JAZZ

I LIKE MUSIC BUT NOT THIS
ITS GETTING ON MY NERVS
IM TRYING TO READ 
BUT I CAND CONCENTRATE ON THE FLIPPIN WORDS

HONESTLEY,
THIS COFEE CULTURE
WHATS IT ALL ABOUT
A COFEFE HOUSE
ITS A CAFE

BOLLOX TO AN OPEN MIND THIS IS CRAP

THE WHOLE THINGS A PARADOX, A MUG OFF
FUCK THIS
IM NOT A MUG
SO I FINISHED MY TEA
POLLITLEY SAID
"THANKYOU"
AND WENT TO THE PUB